Craig's space

Before all the intense media coverage of the Jon and Kate marriage rumors, I never heard of Jon and Kate. Then I heard a lot more than I ever wanted. I mean, why do the media get so transfixed with faux celebrities? I heard about rumors of affairs by both of them. I heard that they have eight children, including sextuplets, which may be the advent of the fascination with them. I also suspect that Jon and Kate are exploiting their children for financial gain. No wonder they can’t stand each other. They are probably not exemplary human beings to begin with. Now Kate has filed for divorce.

Through all the press coverage, I never heard of any attempts Jon and Kate made to piece their marriage back together. I don’t know if they sought counseling or ever attended a marriage education class. It seems it got to the point that they couldn’t even talk to each other.

Children of divorce are much more likely to divorce. They were taught by their parents that it is better to bail on the marriage than to work to make it better. Children of divorce are more likely to drop out of school. Children of divorce have higher chances of being incarcerated. Children of divorce are more likely to live in poverty. Children of divorce have higher chances of committing suicide. After my parents divorced, my grades headed to Ds and Fs. A great fourth grade teacher snapped me out of my funk. Not every child of divorce is so lucky.

Marriages have survived infidelity, but it isn’t easy. There are great resources to help. Marriage/Relationship Education classes are research proven to be the most effective way to help couples. Resources can be found at: www.edhealthymarriages.org and www.smartmarriages.com. Since Kate and Jon are so wrapped up in themselves, they have probably given little thought to the consequences of their actions on their children. After all, they are commodities to them. I hope the company that puts them on the air pulls the plug on this train wreck. Maybe then, some adults can take over their family.

I begin my sabbatical in the desert. The Colorado Desert at Palm Desert to be specific. I am definitely not like the desert fathers. I am staying at a Marriott timeshare. Though I miss being home and with Suzie, there is something about a semi-solitude. The unit is nice, but barren of people. I have ventured out, Saturday night at Angels Stadium and Sunday in Joshua Tree National Park.

The desert fathers left civilization to be alone with God. But when people found out about them -- they went to them for spiritual advice. Even though they attempted a solitary life, they didn't get what they wished. They were seen as special. They found that it was easier to talk to God in isolation. Some actually spent considerable time traveling to cities and taught.

I did talk to the Angels fan next to me at the game and he didn't seem to mind sitting next to a Dodgers fan. (The Dodgers won, by the way.) A love of baseball transcends rivalry. Perhaps that is a key to human relationships. We never will agree on everything, but we can decide to be in relationship with one another despite those things that separate us.

I believe that what unites us is bigger than what divides us. With a few exceptions among us (sociopaths in particular), we want love and respect and self-worth and inclusion. But we live in a society that seems to value what separates us. Talking heads on radio and TV make a lot of money by telling half-truths to work people up to oppose"them" (who ever "them" is). They are evil. They are the anti-Christ. The reason they are the anti-Christ is that Jesus preached love and respect for all people. They are prompting the opposite. They promote hate and exclusion. If they say they are Christian, then they are worse -- they are liars and hypocrites. Jesus hated hypocrites more than any other group of people.

In the immortal words of Rodney King, "Why can't we all just get along?" If such a flawed human being as Rodney King can get it right why can't the rest of us?

Last Saturday (6/13), I officiated at the funeral of Jane Hassler. Jane had suffered from Alzheimer’s for many years. In fact, I am surprised that she lived to the age of 91. She was in a local nursing home for at least the last eight years. So, I knew her about two years before she was institutionalized.

When I first met her, she was a pistol! She had a big smoker’s laugh (or was it a hack). She drove a big car (the make and model I don’t remember, ironic, huh). This seemed to be for her own protection, because she was prone to run into things. No one wanted to be in the church parking lot when she was driving in or out. Her driving skills (or lack thereof) were a parish legend.

But it was obvious that she was losing her faculties. She had no immediate family nearby. She had two nieces that would visit from time to time. They made a parishioner Jane’s legal guardian. Jane had no children. First, her car was taken away and her guardian would drive her to church. Other parishioners would also drive her around. Jane was less than happy about this circumstance. She let everyone know how unhappy she was. One day when she was cooking and almost set her house on fire, it was decided that she could no longer live on her own. She was then institutionalized.

She was initially very unhappy about losing her home and living in a nursing home. She was disruptive to other patients and staff. She refused to leave her room. Then something happened. It was as if a switch was turned (on or off) in her head. She suddenly became cooperative and happy. When I would visit her, she had a big smile on her face, even though she had no idea who I was. But she did recognize my collar. She would think that I was another priest and would call me by that name. One time when I gave her a communion wafer, she looked at it and said, “What’s this for?” (People without Alzheimer’s might ask the same thing.)

All of this is leading to how we grieve over the death of an Alzheimer’s patient. At one time I thought that I would not be able to emotionally handle my grandmother’s funeral. But after a series of stokes that took away her mind, it was a relief when she died. For me, she no longer suffered in a world she did not know. My father died of a stroke a few years after he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. For his death I had mixed feelings of grief and joy. It was very confusing.

Alzheimer’s patients go back in time as the disease wears on. There is no short term memory. Dad would watch old reruns on TV and said, “They’re all new to me.” And as I reflect on Jane’s death, I see it as a blessing. Even though she was not cognizant of her disease, her world is no longer as confusing as it was. She had a big impact on some of her family members. Jane will be missed. But now she lives a life in joy, peace,and total love. She now knows what we will know, one day. Her life is now glorious.

In my Pentecost sermon (http://oursaviourpv.org/sermons.aspx), I talked about a book co-authored by Albert L. Winseman, D.Min. The book is Living Your Strengths. At the back of the book is a code to be used to take an online inventory that will identify our “signature themes.” Albert works for the Gallup organization. Gallup research has found that we can only marginally increase our weaknesses, but we can exponentially increase our talents. There are only one in 33 million people who have our ranked signature themes. And we are unique in the world for our ranked 34 talents. In every congregation every person brings unique talents or gifts to further the kingdom of God. Our job is find out what they are and do them.

There are five clues to a talent: 1) Yearning (drawn to a activity), 2) rapid learning (get it quickly), 3) flow (do something automatically), 4) glimpse of excellence (did it well and didn’t know how it was done), and 5) satisfaction (do it again). A talent becomes a strength when knowledge and skill are applied.

A signature theme is the top five, ranked, talents or strengths a person has. The inventory, the Clifton Strengths Finder, has 34 talents or strengths that people possess. A report of your signature themes can be printed from the web site. But you have to buy the book to get the code to take the inventory.  

My signature themes are: relator, achiever, intellection, learner, and focus.

There is something everyone does that is better than 10,000 other people.Another question every Christian should ask himself or herself is, ”If time and money were no problem, then what would you do for God?”

I recently saw an article on MSNBC.com (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30808963/from/ET/) about couples either kindling or rekindling their marriages. The assertion is that dull marriages can wreck a marriage. Couples need to do new and/or exciting things together to keep the flame going (continuing the fire metaphor). They said, “Experts say that shared challenges and exciting diversions are what make relationships hot long after the wedding gown has been packed up and stored away. And the opposite, boredom and a dull, daily routine, can kill a marriage, squashing intimacy and romance.”

The findings are based on research conducted at State University of New York at Stony Brook. “The researchers found that boredom at the seven-year mark strongly predicted future unhappiness and loss of intimacy nine years later.” Rutgers research shows that the part of the brain that registers during dating still registers in long-term happily married couples. And brain chemistry is effected, principally with an increase in dopamine. Dopamine increases cause the pleasure centers of the brain to light up.

Helen Fisher of Rutgers suggests couples who want to keep their marriage passionate to, “Marry the right person, have sex with them regularly, and go out and do novel, exciting things with them. What kinds of activities does Fisher suggest? ‘Anything that’s new or interesting — or even slightly dangerous — will help sustain feelings of romantic love,’ she says. ‘And it will certainly kill feelings of boredom.’”

All this does is reaffirm two known principles of marriage: 1) it is work and cannot be taken for granted, and 2) joint activities help couples feel close to one another. (The primary ones are communication and knowing how to resolve conflict.) The trick is to find what both of you would like to do together and then do it. The way you find that out is by talking to each other and through knowledge of your partner’s likes and dislikes. The latter also happens by talking to each other. And last step is crucial – DO IT!